My Amazing ( Don't worry. Not a new teen novel)

Oy, I have a terrible cold in another country. Does this officially make me an everyday citizen? I feel like it does.

As I have been guiding tea into my snuffly face, I have come to the realization that in one month or so, I will be halfway through my stay here in Germany. By this point last year, I had already sent out my application for this whole nutty thing. And It feels like just yesterday people were bidding me farewell, saying "You will have SUCH an amazing time." I have sure learned a lot since that four-month ago yesterday.

 One thing I've discovered is that "amazing" is a toxic word. It conjures up ideas of unicorns and endless, uninterrupted blissfulness. And when that is the case, this experience does not get a " Certification of AH.MAY.ZING" sticker slapped on it. It doesn't even get a ribbon of participation.

At first, this realization that my experience was not always meeting its "amazing potential" left me hideously disappointed in myself. I felt like I was letting myself down, and not living up to the (well-meaning) wishes of others. I didn't think you could have an "amazing" time if you felt like an outsider or had a runny nose or faced any difficulty (A.K.A the things you are going to deal with as an exchange student and general human).

In order to avoid complete insanity, I have been trying and failing and trying to create my own interpretation of amazing.

My amazing wants to accepts weakness, failure, and sadness as a natural course of being born, and therefore invites them to act as they will. It promises not to call up Mr.Clean to sterilize the messy crime scene that these feelings will inevitably create. This complicated mess will be loved, and encouraged to play with Happiness and Success (the popular kids on the playground). My amazing wants to embrace the symbiotic relationship that these feelings can foster once they get the chance to just chill together. There will be no bad, or good, or expectations or evaluations. Anything goes in my amazing. And that's ok by me.







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